Another God Thing

I continue to think about all the different things that could happen to me. This past weekend, on the night of homecoming, I made a terrible mistake. I was unable to live with the guilt I had and told the person that I knew I would hurt. There was a large rough patch for a few days, but everything went back to normal soon after.
Now, how is this a God thing you ask? Simple.

God forgives. Just as the person I hurt did.
But unlike a human, God will forgive all the time.
All the time.
Every time.

I have done my fair share of God hating, especially when I was younger. My thought process was if God loved me, he wouldn't allow me to hurt. Despite how much I hated Him, He still loved me.

Yes I know I have posted something similar to this before, but it's important to know. Everyone will make mistakes, every day of every year in every hour. Why wouldn't you want someone there to always forgive you and take you back?

Been Awhile : /

Sorry about being so long on getting here. Exams started for most of kids this week so it's been a little stressful. I'm sitting in Chemistry right now just listening to the different conversations (yes, I'm a creeper) it's hard to believe that in 5 short, quick months my classmates and I will be official alumni of Fairbanks High School. I think I'm both ready and not ready to take on the world. Some people are going to college, some work, some even the army. I hope that some things change and some stay the same.

An FYI: during Christmas break I will not post everyday. It is the holidays and all of us want to spend time with our families. I will be posting the rest of the week and after Christmas. Thanks for reading

One Job, Two Job, Crap :/

Today I went to give my two weeks at Applebee's. My body has begun to shut down from lack of sleep and lack of eating. It was as though nothing I was doing seemed good enough tk me. Good enough for myself, and I had to decide... As I walked back into the kitchen I passed my favorite coworker, Aaron, and he smirked and made a joke at me. My eyes began to tear up as I knew I would not see him anymore. I smiled at him and kept walking.I came up to Laura, my manager, and she saw me and said "what's going on?" I shook my head and told her I couldn't do it anymore. The two jobs and school that is. I told Laura that what I was making there out weighed me staying at the job  I loved.
It amazed me what she told me next.

She would match how much I made there. She'd give me all the hours I wanted, a pay raise, anything I wanted. She begged me not to go.

It showed me that maybe it wasn't my time to leave there. She agreed that I would work tomorrow night and not come back until that day after Christmas. I guess in my mind this was God saying not to quit. Since I began working there I started to feel more myself. In the kitchen there we are all freaks. Tattoos and odd personalities. I have never felt more myself than there. I'll stay as long as I possibly can.

Here I Be. Mer.

There is not much to say today. I still get more views each day and I keep getting a little scared of it. I will post later tonight when I have a shopping trip to tell you about(:

Stand.

There are too many people out there who think that no one cares or understands. It bothers me. It really bothers me. It's not a simple little bug in my ear that you kill it's the tattoo on my wrist that never flies away. That bumblebee flies everywhere with me, reminding me I went through 5 years of hell and made it.
     I pushed people away to the point of no return.
I self-injured for 4 years.
     I tried to take my life more than once.

All the while I thought no one was there for me. I had believe in God and all that he was, but I didn't understand why if he loved me then how he could do that to me. How could he allow me to be so depressed and misunderstood?
Right now I am trying to keep my cool as I try getting organizations to support me and spread my word. I want to be the person who tries with everything they are to make a difference. I wish it was something simple, but I also don't. If this wasn't hard then how on earth could I think it would help? I dig into who I am and reveal the most painful, saddest, hard, and emotional moments I have went through. God help me. 

The Very Beginning

This is the beginning of the story I am currently working on! Please tell me what you think and if you want more put on here!

" It wasn’t anything to be proud of, yet it wasn’t something to be regretful of looking back. A simple and plain story I wish to say was all this is, but if it was only that it wouldn’t be a story now would it? I have seen the ups and downs of this world in the eyes of a child and teenager. The world was not my friend, nor was I happy to be a part of it at times. My name is Abby I am eighteen years old, a current senior in high school; this… this is my story of hope, pain, love, struggle, and God. In my short life I have seen and dealt with more than any human should.

My childhood was much like anyone else’s. I had a brother, Ryan, a mother, Lisa, and a father, Neil, along with all the household pets. My mom brought me into this life on Monday, October 10, 1994 somewhere between 8:48 and 8:52 am. From the day of my birth it is apparent now that my life was going to be difficult. Mom found out moments before I was born that I was breech, I was coming out backwards instead of head first, and the doctors had to do an emergency C-section or else neither of us would make it.

The doctors asked my dad if it were to come to it, would he want mom or me saved if they had to choose. Mom was screaming at the top of her lungs to “save the baby, just save our baby”. Dad shook his head and said no, that he wanted mom saved. "

Daily Costs Of Silence

I want to explain some things. Well everything, but I can't in one post so I'll cover a few.

For those of you wondering why I post some majorly depressing things it's because I have a mild mood disorder that I am currently taking antidepressants for. (Yes mood disorders can be treated with antidepressants. Google it) I am feeling a lot better about not only myself but everything. Currently I am trying a second new medication Venlafaxine aka Effexor.

Second, I am not a soulless being with no friends or social life. I go out when I can, mainly to hookah bars and movies, whenever I have a spare second. I go to school 5 days a week for 6 hours, then work a 7 hour shift at Walmart. Saturday's I work 9-4 at Walmart and 6-9 at Applebees. Sunday I have a 8-9 hour shift at Walmart. Add on to that homework and studying, you'd have a hard time with keeping up with friends and having a social life too.

Third, I do not want to be coming off as bitchy or anything of the sort on this post. I am just tired of people assuming and not asking. There is a complete and total difference to asking and understand then assuming and judging. Both of which I have dealt with.

Leave me some comments even as anonymous or email me at workerbee210@gmail.com to get ahold of me. Thanks for reading.

Who could Tell?

I am beginning to be more and more worried as I see my page views go up. The worry is about the judgement; I had multiple people ask today what the whole thing was about me feeling alone. I guess I'm not quite sure if my thoughts are ready to be shared though it is too late to back out now.

I have this feeling, deep in the pit of my stomach that things aren't going to be the same. Almost like as the world changes so will I. My thoughts are no longer private, not that I want them to be, but I want people to know. So why would I be so scared? How long will it take for me to get use to the fact that people are reading and I still just need to be myself? I guess we'll find out huh?

I'll start posting normally again tomorrow(:

Failing to get viewers :/

Ah, December, how we tread your return. I have been on a new medication for about a week and it seems to be working. My main point today though is my failure at trying to gain views and comments on this poor, lonely blog. I sent a text around my school to about 10 people saying to look at this blog. I have 10 views currently. I want people to understand, I want people to know that the glamour and fame in high school doesn't reach out to some of us. Only 2 people know who I am really am as the author. Both have said they won't tell. All I know is that I want to explain the hardships I've seen in my short 18 years. But also the joys and wonders. Pain to love to guilt to happiness and hugs to kisses. I am not a simple person, being so would be a bore, I am who I is. Nothing other than that. That is why I want people to know this me, then learn my name.

Alone at last or just again?

As I sit in class I can't help but think that maybe there's really something wrong with me. No one but maybe 2 people talk to me during school. Only one of those outside of school. I feel like a monstrous freak. The girl whom no one wants to be seen talking with. These Meds they put me on should be helping. But I've never felt so alone before in my life. I know there are people out there who care about me, but most are leaving and moving on. It begs me to ask if I just have always been alone and never realized it... Whatever it is. It needs to be gone. I'm just wanting a friend to turn to now... Someone at school or church or something. Anything

Thing called Love

It's hard to believe that it has been a year since I began to talk to the most amazing person that has walked into my physical life. A year ago I was a struggling teen, working out who I was, where I fit in, what I wanted from life... everything a teenager struggles with. Yet in my life I was trying too hard. Hanging out with the wrong people, doing the wrong things, everything. Then one Mr. Trevor Allan D. walked into my life. I was the crazy one and he was the mellow, always follow the rules one.
With everything I had gone through in life he seemed like he understood. he was the best friend I had never really had; the shoulder to cry on; the hand to hold; the everything I needed then. I had told myself that during my junior year of high school I was not going to look for a boyfriend, I was putting my love life in God's hands and out of mine. Not even 3 months into my junior year Trev and I began talking. It was like for  even a second that I talked to him, everything was right in the world.
I sometimes refer to him as my angel that God knew I needed and so he sent him to me.
Today I was at dinner with Trevor, his parents, his brother Dj, and Dj's girlfriend Abbi; it came to me that almost a year ago I was sitting there awkward and I couldn't bring myself to talk. Then today I was normal and shoving my hand into a pumpkin that I had failed at carving. It was like a home away from home.
Thursday.
Thursday, November 1, 2012.
One year. Holy shit.

I know to some people all they think is that, oh, I'm just a silly eighteen year old who doesn't know what love really is. I do. He is love. This past year Trevor has shown me what it means to live. All I know is I am a very lucky person and I would not take back anything in my life. All the mistakes, lies, and speedbumps... They all led me to him. And I would be out of my sanity to want that to have never happened.

I love you Trevor Allen(:

Everyone Should Have Known

Amanda Todd. The current popular topic on Facebook, Google, in schools, and everywhere else. I personally feel like everyone giving her this much support is outrageous. Now don't get me wrong I am sorry for her family and everything else, but there are hundreds on people in the US alone that kill themselves everyday. And the only people who know their names are their family and friends. There are no big Facebook pages, no huge piles of flowers. There's nothing.

I've found most of the time the people who no one seem to know about where overall good kids and/or people and if anything helped others. Amanda Todd would frequently get onto webcam shows and "preform" (If that's what you wanna call it) for men of all ages. She would also show her face during these shows. She was 15 when she killed herself and 13 when she slept with a married man. Now I'm sorry, call me whatever you will, but she was just asking to get made fun of on all levels. And any parent who allowed this to happen... Well, we just won't go there.

You can call me a monster or anything else you want to. This is my place to just talk about how I feel and that's that. It's my thoughts. And my thought today is that Amanda Todd was asking for the bullying. But that by no means excuses it; and I am very sorry to her family for the loss of their daughter.